Help!

Hi, I've read through the site and relate to everything mentioned. Well done for setting up these resources for people to access.

To cut to the chase and start at the beginning:

Between the age of 10-16 a lot went on for me and my eating disorder established itself: my Mum attempted suicide, for which I blamed myself. I was bullied at school, and my sibling suffered with anorexia.

I was always the biggest (although not overweight) of me and my siblings. with the traumas that were going on I was severely unhappy and unstable. I became obsessed with weight and was convinced that if I was thinner I would feel happy, good enough, equal to, and loved by my family. I started periods of starvation lasting for days or weeks of eating nothing, which would inevitably lead to a binge.

Between 16 and 22 I developed alcohol and drug abuse on top of the disordered eating.

I'm now 25 and don't touch drugs or alcohol, but since giving them up it meant the food issues have become even worse as there's nothing else distracting me from them.

I have seen a number of councilors over the last 3 years and am in touch with many of my
difficulties:

Low self esteem/self worth

dislike of myself

feel like a bad person

feel unloved/unwanted

feel like a failiure and let down

feel ugly and disgusting

helpless, trapped, fearfull, deseprate

I suffer ongoing depression and feel like life is one big uphill struggle.

The disorder as it stands at the moment is that I'm always in either a state of deprivation (about 1000 cal a day) with excessive exercise on top (cycle for an hour and run for an hour per day-900 calories, plus extra walking etc) or in a state of binge to the point of feeling sick(weight cycling between 10 and 12 stone).

One of the councilors I've seen was therapy through creative writing and, like you, have done a lot of journal work which has helped.

Although I've come along way through the work with this and my councilors, I understand why I have these behaviors and I've been given the tools of how to make change, there seems to be a missing link preventing me from moving on, I guess its that I understand all the emotions that are driving the eating, but they are so deep rooted and painful that I can't work out how to change them so I'm stuck in a rut.

The relationship I have with myself is so awful that I don't know how to change it, and without changing it I can't break free from the disordered eating.

This leaves me feeling very helpless and almost like I'm too damaged to recover. Some of the issues I feel I can't resolve-my relationship with my family is still strange-my ongoing feeling of inferiority to the favored anorexic sibling makes me feel I have to be thin to be loved, and not feeling loved or wanted by my mother play a part in the way I feel about myself. These are not things i can resolve or discuss for fear of upsetting my already unstable Mum.

A lot of your advice is aimed at people that are newly coming to terms with, and understanding their difficulties. do you have any advice for the place I'm at where I have the knowledge and tools, just too messed up to be able to put it into practice?

ANSWER

I commend your courage and honesty!

And CONGRATULATIONS for giving up drugs and alcohol. That is a HUGE step in aligning with the REAL YOU.

A lot of the time.... most people feel that they are 'too messed up' to change. They say its been too long, and they're too far gone to get things turned around.

But really YOU are NOT messed up.

You are simply believing you are. Your behaviors and choices may not be what you want them to be. But YOU; the real you is not messed up.

Who you really are is fully intact and waiting to emerge. The real you is covered up by all the beliefs, thoughts, emotions, actions, and patterns that dis empower you.

I have a couple questions for you....

Do you love yourself?

Do you even like yourself?

My guess is that you cannot answer either one of these questions with a resounding YES. And that is okay. Don't judge yourself or be harsh.

Most eating disorders and other destructive behaviors are 'cover ups'. They cover up our feelings of inadequacy and fears of really not being good enough. If we have a big problem or cycle to focus on; then we don't have time to face the fears that would free our true selves.

The next step you may want to take is not about the right food or exercise... its LOVING YOU.

If you loved yourself...

You would speak kind words about yourself.

You would eat foods that gives you sustainable energy and health.

You would be forgiving of your mistakes.

You would allow yourself to be GREAT and live your purpose.

You would release the negative patterns that keep you locked into weak cycles.

If you look at successful woman who are also happy; you will find that they do these things, not perfectly, but at least most of the time.

When you love you... it doesn't matter what others think.

When you love you... you give others permission to do the same.

I hope that this helps you find the answers you are looking for. Really.... all the answers we need are already within us. Listen to your intuition and begin to LOVE YOU!

All my Best,

Stefanie