I know what's wrong...how do I make it right?

by Nikky
(Greenbelt, MD, USA)

Hey Stefanie,

My name is Nikky, I am 19, and have been binge-eating for about 6 years. The reason I can pinpoint it almost exactly, is because I believe it started after my first major diet.

As a child, my weight went up and down. There was a point where I was severely underweight after being very sick. I started to gain weight, and everyone applauded. I gained, and gained, until I was overweight. At 12, I wanted to lose 35 pounds to put me in the middle of my healthy weight range.

I believe it is because of the way that I dieted then, and because it was so unhealthy, that led me to binge eating. I am 5'8" and may have been an inch shorter then, but not much. I went on a 1200 calorie diet, and ate that or less, religiously every day, along with working out. I didn't learn until years later, that 1200 calories was too few calories, and that eating too few calories can be bad for your body, and result in a lowering your metabolic rate. At the time, I had no idea I was doing something unhealthy.

So, I lost the 35 pounds, constantly thinking about my end goal while I was hungry every day, for months. When I got there, I went on vacation. I ate, and ate and ate...and gained 8 pounds back in the one trip. I continued to gain 10 pounds at home, and stayed there. I never gained all the weight back, and I never lost it. I fluctuate, and I am right on the edge of being overweight so sometimes I am, and other times I'm not. But what I've always wanted was for my body to be healthier...not just losing weight, but getting fit, gaining muscle.

But for 5 years, from that trip until last year, there was not a time when I was not on a diet, or planning a new diet and feeling guilty for not being on one. However, any time I tried to diet, it would go well for the first few days, or even a week-and then I'd binge. I think the reason I binge, is because I've tainted what a diet is for my mind. Any time I try to lower my calories, or food intake, my subconscious remembers that first major diet, where I (accidentally) starved myself, because I didn't know better-and protects me from that, by binging.

A little over a year ago, I realized all this. I stopped the cycle. I stopped thinking about what I should and shouldn't eat, and ate what I want. I stopped getting on the scale. And-I stopped binging. I had to go to the doctor's, and couldn't avoid the scale there. I've gained 5 pounds in the year-which is not bad. But now I'm back to wishing I could diet and lose weight, as I don't want to just keep gaining.

Which is why, I am here. I want to try to change my mindset and thinking, so that I can be healthier, and get to a healthy weight and stay there.

I feel I understand where I am, and how I got here....but I don't know what to do to help myself.I started a journal, and I began a food log...but thinking about the food I was eating like that turned into a binge. It feels like I'm walking on eggshells, and the ways I want to help myself might turn into the opposite.

What should I do?


ANSWER

Hi Nikky,

You seem like a very intelligent young woman. You're realizations about your own patterns are amazing.

Just remember that overcoming binge eating is a process.

Right now you may just be in the stage of admitting where you are and realizing your triggers and what you need to move forward.

Listen to your intuition; if you know that writing down WHAT you eating is a trigger for you; then just try writing down your EMOTIONS prior to eating.

Don't worry about being 100% perfect all the time. I know that I am FAR from perfect. Use your emotions to guide you. Listen to the little voice inside you that says, "yes, this is right" or "no, this isn't good for me".

Everything you need.... you already have. It just takes the courage to act on that little voice.

You can do this! Don't focus so much on the food; focus more on your emotional state and listen to your intuition.

All my Best,

Stefanie