Trying to block an inner pain

by Shirley
(Merseyside UK)

11th May 2010

Well here is the first entry into my journal. Why do I overeat? Why do I eat so much junk food when I am not even hungry? Its to do with emotions and how I am feeling.

So how do I feel most of the time? The answer? Lost, scared, angry and lonely. Not to mention unfulfilled and sad.

I got married 18 years ago in August when I was 35 years old and did not realise how quickly things would go wrong. But despite this, I had twins 18 months after our wedding day! They were born at the other end of the country in a Military Hospital. They are 16 years old now and will be leaving school soon!

But I never meant to say anything about the kids. This is about me. And how I feel when I go to the fridge or the cupboard when I get that compulsion to eat rubbish and I am not in the least bit physically hungry.

So how do I feel? I feel like the feelings that are whirling around inside me will built up and build up, till they overwhelm me and I don't know how to handle myself or them. So junk food stops the feelings from hurting me any more and it works quickly too. In fact it is almost an instant reaction. Thats what I like about it, its instant.

So the trick, somehow, is to somehow sever that connection between our emotions and junk food. Not an easy task as I have been this way just about all of my life now and junk food is a drug for me.

But yet I know that if I continue this way, the weight will just go on and on and on and my health will nose dive dramatically.

I used to be a slim size 12 all my adult life till I had the kids but here I am now, a size 18 in jeans (UK size 18) and a UK size 20 top! I feel bloated, heavy, tired, lethargic and what little confidence I had, is all but gone.....

To be continued...........